That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
