You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
