you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So many bounce houses so little time
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
