Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
