you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
