I want to have your abortion
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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