My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
