why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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