Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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