the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
