Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
3 2 1 whiskey
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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