...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh god it's open bar.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize