I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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