youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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