Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
