My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
