I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
