I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
