Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
