Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
accomplished twins. life is a go
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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