I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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