i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
