i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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