I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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