So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
