Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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