Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
