Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
