well I can't set my house on fire every night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
