I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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