I wish I only lived at night.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
