He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
