Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i think im in europe. pls send help
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
