remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
