quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
