I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
