I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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