I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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