I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
