We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
