you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
