Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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