I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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