Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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