I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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