I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
