I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
