You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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