After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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