I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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