When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You need Xanax blowdarts
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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