Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
