I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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