yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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