I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you would pick up someone in the library
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
