anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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