i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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